That would be the warning message of my internal system after 3 weeks of very few sleep and even more stress.
I think it really started to go downwards with the news from the VET that Baghira has stomach cancer. I was…well are there even words that can describe how I felt? I blamed myself for bringing him over to the UK, blamed me that he didn’t feel comfortable in the first year, blamed me that all the stress might have been to much for his little body to cope with and so opened the door for cancer. Guilty that I haven’t enough time to cuddle with him during his remaining time with me.
I still can’t believe that this cat, who has such a strong bond with me, won’t be there at some point. A part from me will die at this day as well….
The next thing on my list was my grading. I know that this shouldn’t be a stressful thing but in my weird mind it most certainly was. I was so damned scared of not remembering anything and most of all, to disappoint my teacher. So every evening I went through all the forms and history in my mind.
Well, I passed the grading but not with the result I hoped.
All that plus all the problems I had when I first came over here just kept on creeping back into my mind. Thoughts of how useless I am. Useless because I couldn’t find a job, then got kicked out of one because I was better then the stupid bitch that called herself manager. Then there was the other job I never got, went to a 1st Aid course, bought a car to be able to get there and never heard back from them.
There were other things I mentioned earlier in this blog that all added to my misery. Thanks to all that coming together I sometimes just feel useless, worthless and empty. I lost myself somewhere on that road…no perspective….no identity…no dreams to dream off.
Thanks to all that I have troubles to sleep. 4 till 5 hours is the most I can get and I am now back with sleeping tablets in the hope that this will help.
On the other hand, we have finally our very own studio and Neil seems more then happy with it and the workload should calm down after x-mas as well. So why can’t I just calm down and relax? Why do I still feel bad? Why can’t I get that confidence and strength back that I had so carefully re-built after I left the company I’ve worked 15 years for?
Guess I have to re-learn and re-build all that….because only then I can get my nights sleep back before my energy levels get too low.
So there is a lot to do…not sure how…but I did it before, so I am sure I can do it again.
Let 2013 be a year of gaining strenght and confidence!!!