It’s been a while

Just realised that my last entry here was almost a year ago. And I am now again at the exact same point. I am depressed, scared, worn out, sad & angry. Everything at the same time.

Having had am massive attack yesterday I found this wonderful article on IO9 : about anxiety. While reading this many pennies dropped and I could find me in so many thing in there. Things like: sleeping problems, feeling tired, having difficulty concentrating and so on.

I can’t even name the reason for all this. Although if I am honest with myself I can but I won’t post that here and yet.

But one reason I will mention here and that is the overwhelming feeling of being alone and an absolute outsider. Why you ask? Well, as many of you know I started Iaido shortly after I moved over to the UK. I loved it, but soon ran into problems with some members there, making me feel like crap and keeping away from the club for almost a year. During this time I also lost contact to the trainer and my only friend because of it.

After Neil got us both finally back on one table and talking, and much more important, training together again, things were a lot easier to cope with….until….well…

I don’t really know what happened….but after I helped on an international Martial Arts event here in London on behalf of our Club he broke off any contact. No reasons given. He won’t reply to text msg nor emails. I spent 5 days on that event (which also means that our business lost 5 days of me editing) working hard to show what great things we can archive and during this time I must have done something wrong. What, I have no f***ing clue.

Anyway, it still hurts to been treated that way by someone you would have gone to hell and back, someone you thought to be a friend. And to finally get this thing, which is eating my self esteem (well, or what is left of the nothing that I have) I have written one last email to him, thanking him for everything, wishing him good luck with his new club and all the best for the future.

I hope that will set my mind at rest for a bit…although I still hope to get an answer or at least an explanation…but if I don’t get an answer I think that it is time to let go of it and continue my training alone…never be able to full fill one of my many dreams: master one art in my life.

This may sound very one sided and is probably wrong but….to me it seems as if the British seem to be unable to have a proper friendship. What is it that people here laugh in your face while holding the dagger behind their backs, ready to strike?

This is one of the reason why I struggle to now trust anyone anymore and why I so often feel alone, useless, worthless. Back in Germany I had true friends. Friends that didn’t really live around the corner, but friends I knew would be ALWAYS be there if I needed someone to talk to no matter when or where. They would have moved mountains to make things right if they had to and so would I for them.

I miss the times of hanging out with them over a weekend, watching movies, playing games and talk all night long. Where are those friends over here? Or is it me that is in the wrong? Is that whispery voice in my head right when is says that I am too weird for anyone to want to be friend with me….too German…too bad English speaking….too different?

I think I have to think back and think about all the things I learned back in my group therapy sessions….maybe I can find a way out of my depressions….I managed it onces….although things where different then….MASSIVELY different.

I think I just have to listen to more Tom Baker audios to keep me calm and help me get some sleep again…sorry Tom..but your voice is pure magic for my soul!


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